Don't come for me, but I am about to download some Halloween themed relationship stuff. My "Just Because It's Wednesday" series started with a conversation with a dear friend about how he treats his queen. I had shared that someone I was seeing forgot my birthday which led to a conversation about dating, relationships and love languages. He spoke of surprising his love with flowers or something special for no reason, maybe "Just Because It's Wednesday!" I responded with, "This just became my new blog title." As a Life Coach, in the area of relationships in today's culture I do not have it all figured out. I was married for a long time, now widowed. Yet, I have gathered some insights. I have also made observations from my own experiences and of those of my clients and friends. No names shall be named. Let's dig into my Halloween candy jar of sweets and tricks!
BOO! Ghosting. What is this? Ghosting is when "Casper the Friendly Ghost" (or not so friendly) just disappears, stops calling, texting or even returning a call or text. Ouch! So painful and confusing. Without closure the person is haunted with questions and making up their own sorted tale about what happened. I get it, it depends on the situation. Perhaps you were just "talking" or hanging out!" or maybe they were your Boo! When there is conflict in the relationship or maybe the other person just isn't feeling it anymore, ghosting is an easy way out. With so many ways to communicate, it is just as easy to hide. Then, there's blocking and unblocking. Listen, we have all done it. I think these behaviors stem from a breakdown in communication and lack of boundaries. Sometimes we do not know what to say or we want to avoid a scary confrontation. Maybe you allowed things you really didn't want or neglected to set healthy boundaries. Now you are fed up and can't take it anymore. It is also possible the person just does not have the emotional capacity for a relationship and/or the guts to call it quits.
Trick Or Treat! Maybe you met someone new. It is so exciting, and you are under the spell of a potent love potion. It's a compound of the oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, vasopressin on steroids! You might have missed the warning signs because you are so intoxicated and blinded. It is all so enchanting until it's not. Your vision clears and you realize everyone has "skeletons in the closet." How many old bones are you willing to deal with? Maybe it is unfinished business with an "X", addictions, trauma, emotional wounds or any number of challenges that make the relationship unhealthy.
Pumpkins! "Hi pumpkin!" A common term of endearment. Maybe this season you are all warm and cozy with your special someone. You have cute pet names for each other; you feel so in love. But, just like the candle in your jack o' lantern, the flame dies out.
Monsters. Sometimes it's an ugly break up. They are telling all their friends and family only their side of the story. If this is you, LET THEM! Let them make you the MONSTER of your story. Let them! If you know you tried your best to live with honesty, open communication and respect, then you can be okay with people not hearing your side of the story.
Magic. Similar to ghosting, but now we are in "no contact." Poof, you just go "MIA" and no longer speak to each other, just hoping one or the other will break the contract of no contact. Then, there's the dating apps where you can look at an endless number of perfect people. It is so magical. All you have to do to meet your new Boo, is swipe right or swipe left.
Sleuth. You must learn to be a good detective. Is the person a D.A. or A.A.? Dismissive avoidant or anxious attached? Fearful avoidant? Securely attached? Or in a perfect world with no childhood trauma, we would all be securely attached. Now, you must navigate each other's attachment styles and love languages. Love languages are little easier to identify. There are great books on both subjects. Ask me. I will share some resources.
It is all very daunting. This dating language is all over TikTok with various dating "experts" and coaches weighing in. Some of it is very wise advice. The younger audience reading this only knows dating this way. Some of us "old school" newly, single folks have had to learn a whole new way of dating, thanks to shifting cultural norms and social media. But it is not hopeless. And, TBH, for the right person none of this will apply!
Don't be spooked, just having a little fun with a play on words with Halloween right around the corner. Mask off, all jokes aside, wherever you find yourself, the answer is the same. Whether you are single or you have your Boo, keep working on yourself to be your best you! Keep becoming true, beautiful, authentically you, the kind of person that doesn't need a costume or disguise.
If you do have some things to heal, do not be afraid to seek out a therapist or mentor. Or maybe you could use a few new coaching tricks up your sleeve like boundary setting and communication skills. I can help!
Happy Halloween!Â
*My name is Jennifer. I am a certified life coach. Yes, I took the classes, but most of what I learned comes from the library of my experience. As a widow of a 23 year marriage, a lot has changed in dating; but there are some things that stay the same. I help people see their value, worth, learn new communication skills, boundaries and help bring out their best.
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